Tinder, Bumble, Match, Zoosk, Plenty of Fish…to name a few. These are the modern-day equivalent of getting down to a bar or dance hall and trying to capture the attention of someone cute.
If you have the desire, and a digital device, you can now access numerous single people within your age range and location — with the swipe of a finger.
Of these, some of them will be ‘matches’. Of those matches, some will never speak to you—there just isn’t time. A percentage of the people you actually communicate with on these apps/site may actually materialise into dates.
Now: not everyone you meet (let alone talk to) is going to be a good fit for you. This may become clear within a couple of messages, or after a couple of hours sitting across from them at dinner.
Sometimes you’ll feel like it’s going great, while your date could not agree less. Your dating career is bound to give you a taste of each of those fairly standard scenarios, but these days the lay of the land is a bit different.
What’s going on?
Rejection has been an element of life since the dawn of time. For every sperm that makes it through to conception, a couple hundred million get left in the cold. Dating, too, is something of a numbers game.
The nature of how we date these days has made it that much easier to pull the plug on a potential date without so much as a ‘Bye, Felicia’. The disappearing act that’s rocking our spot is known as ‘ghosting’. It’s pretty darn rude, but you’ve likely either done it or received it if you’re out playing the field.
Sometimes it’s a one-date and no call situation, or perhaps they just randomly stopped replying—for good.
You may make up all sorts of excuses for them, especially if you liked them. Notifications are off. They’ve had an accident. They lost your number. Their phone’s just been dead. For five days.
Look, don’t hurt yourself trying to come up with a backstory. The fail-safe explanation that you can apply without exception is: they’re just not that into you. And you know what? That’s okay.
Why ghosting is wrong?
If I need to tell you this, you probably shouldn’t be dating.
You can do better. Add up the time you spend texting your friends, posting on Facebook, retweeting Kim K’s Krap, or eating toast. Subtract one minute from that time to deliver a simple text, email or call.
It goes like this:
Hey, thanks for meeting me / chatting / swiping right. Your someone is out there but I don’t think it’s me. You rock, good luck out there.
Don’t let digital anonymity rob you of your common decency, peeps. There’s a real human on the other end of that thread. If it was someone you’d really liked, you’d hope to get some closure. “Do unto others…”
If you’ve been ghosted
So, it’s been a while and you’re beginning to think you’re not gonna hear back. If you must, you can send one (and only one) final follow-up message.
Still no reply?
Put your palms together, look to the universe and say “thank you”. They’re not the one for you, question answered.
Yes, It’s a sucky feeling to be literally ignored. What happened? Did I say something? Did they die??
Think of it like this: That little spook has done you a favour by not replying, by showing you straight away what kind of person they are willing to be. Not what you want in your life, if we’re being realistic.
Onward and upward homies, don’t let it haunt you.
Each loose end you hang onto leaves a little dent in your soul and your confidence. Be the big kid and let it go!
Yours is still out there, keep looking you lovely thing.
Occasionally there’s a legitimate reason you didn’t hear back from them, and they may eventually get back in touch. Boom, thanks universe!
Want to learn more about how we can help you with your online dating? As some of the best Dating Coach’s in New Zealand, we offer online training (Visit here) or in person. Send us an email at firstname.lastname@example.org